Scarcity. An echo that's woven its way through the fabric of my existence. What began as a concept confined to financial struggles matured into a complex emotion, weaving its tendrils through every facet of my life's journey.
During my youth, scarcity wasn't just about money – it was a pulse that shaped my world. Majority of my early childhood & adolescence unfolded against a backdrop of poverty, with occasional glimpses of middle-class stability when my determined Filipino immigrant single mother found work. Those years were a mosaic of ever-changing homes and schools, an unpredictable rhythm that mirrored our transitory life.
Then came the era of high school graduation, a transition into adulthood marked by newfound responsibilities. As the breadwinner, I stepped onto a path where scarcity evolved into more forms – scarcity of identity and time. Balancing two jobs, 50-60 hours a week, while managing full-time education, learning took a backseat to survival. It's as if the act of "being" was enough to forge an identity, irrespective of its depth. The mantra was clear: education would yield a "good" job. What "good" meant remained elusive, but a sense of self began to crystallize around it.
A decade ago, my life took an unexpected turn. A layoff at 31 marked the beginning of a tough journey, a journey into the dark night of my soul. It was the emergence of my first conscious encounter with depression. My job had become my identity, and its absence left me adrift. It was like sinking into quicksand, a mire of emotions that swallowed me whole. The first three years of this internal battle were marked by what I call "depression light." A state of limbo, where hope was a distant glimmer and the struggle for clarity was relentless.
Another four years passed, and within their shadows, I stood at the edge of despair. Those next four years... those were the years that almost broke me. That deep depression wrapped itself around my thoughts, cloaking me in embodied feelings of inadequacy and isolation. I felt like a puzzle piece from a forgotten puzzle, a fragment that never fit.
Yet, amid the struggle, I found glimmers of strength. A survival instinct kicked in, one that led me to tap into every resource available. The journey through scarcity, both financial and emotional, sculpted me into a survivor and a warrior. I emptied out my small 401k savings, relying on the support of friends and the wisdom gained from navigating life's twists. I recognize my privilege in having those resources to fall back on, and I am thankful for it.
Fast forward a decade, and here I am, on the brink of 41, still navigating the currents of life. In January, I stood at a crossroads once again, facing my second job loss within a year. This time, there was no safety net of a 401k, no steady income to fall back on. All I had was a small cushion of savings, a drop of security in the face of uncertainty.
Scarcity still makes its presence known, in moments that catch me off guard. Like the leap of faith I took when I followed my heart's calling to support women through my business. I can't predict where this journey will lead me financially, but I'm driven by the understanding that I would regret not trying more than the uncertainties that lie ahead. And another leap when I embraced a new chapter in the Yucatan. And then, there was my lease, a commitment to a year in a place where the future remains a mystery. As I penned my name to the agreement, a sense of both hope and apprehension swirled within me. It was a decision that sent my scarcity alarms ringing loudly, as I dipped into my precious savings to secure my new home. Every day is a reminder of stepping into the unknown, and each step taken feels both brave and vulnerable.
Yet, within the midst of these challenges, there's a newfound gratitude that emerges. A gratitude practice for every piece of cash exchanged, each one carrying a heartfelt thank you. “Thank you, Hana, for having savings to tide you over during the in-between. Thank you, money, for providing a roof over my head.” My mantras are shifting. These simple moments of acknowledging the blessings that do exist become a lifeline, grounding me in the present and quieting the voice of scarcity and my nervous system.
It's wild. A realization hit me as I poured these words onto the page. I'm seeing the reflection of what once was 10 years ago, but there's a shift, an evolution. This time around, I'm armed with tools I've accumulated, fortified by the guidance of a therapist, and most importantly, I've unearthed the power to rewrite my own story.
I know some of these things can sound like clichés, especially when you're navigating the untamed territory of healing and self-discovery. Gratitude and trusting the process can sometimes feel like empty words, but they can also emerge as bright silver linings when the timing aligns just right. What's become my refuge amidst the whirlwind of scarcity and fear is the practice of staying present. Grounding myself in this very moment, I remind myself of my truths. In this moment as I write this post, I have a roof that offers shelter, a nourished belly, clothes that embrace me, a laptop that carries my words and stories, and the profound knowledge that I am loved.
Of course, it's not a guarantee that this mindset will always override the chatter of my mind, I still get scared, but these truths I hold are solid. In the chaos, they stand as unwavering pillars of my reality. In this journey through life's uncertainties, it's these truths that keep me grounded, even when the storms of uncertainty attempt to steer me off course.
#Scarcity #Fear #NavigatingScarcity #HealingJourney #TheInBetween #SaGitna #Mindset #InnerStrength #Empowered #Gratitude
Comments